Apologies.

I'm sorry I haven't blogged in a while! I bet you're all thinking that I only blog when I've got something to moan about. But I've been really busy with Uni and my new job which by the way is amazing.

So yesterday, me, Mum and Alan got all Christmassy in Chester. We went on the big wheel which was very scary but amazing also. Then we got a pancake and some mulled wine and sat among some snowy Christmas trees to consume them. The highlight was watching people fall over on the Ice Rink.

Despite being all Christmassy I am completely unprepared for Christmas. I have two small presents! Not good. And I've no idea what my Christmas hours will be like at River Island! I'm already working over my 12 hour contract but I cannot wait to get paid.

I have been working my butt off since 10am this morning and have still got so much more to do. I started my day by interviewing the Student Union president and vice president. Actually that's a lie, I started my day by getting a little bit excited about the snow. And then I nearly crippled myself on the way to campus and quickly changed my mind. You know you're getting old when you dread snow more than you look forward to it. So I finished my interview at 10.15 but couldn't take the photo until after 1, so I have spent some very productive hours in the library!

Oh em gee, Jack McFarland (in Will and Grace) is in Scrubs! So anyhoo, I'm trying to prepare for yet another exhibition on Thursday. Not marked...AGAIN. So am going to print all my work before work tomorrow.

So that's about the size of it. But I've been thinking, why is it that we fall in love so easily, but not out of love so easily.

Bye for now.

Romance is dead.

Hey guys, just a quick blog before I dash off to Uni.

Went to see The Dirty D's last night. Still as amazing as ever. If you haven't heard them yet please listen. Romance is Dead is my personal favourite. If I could I would marry Switch's vocals. I'd just marry Meg full stop (I kid, unless she's reading and then I'm not... Hi Meg!) Anyhoo! They are awesome. So please listen.

http://www.myspace.com/thedirtydelinquents

So after the gig we ended up crashing a private party in Bar Six T Nine. It was an education. Thanks for a great night you guys.

Did my first shift at River Island yesterday and I loved it! They put me on footwear, crazy people! Back again on Saturday. Can't wait but I'm sure that will wear of soon enough.

I have to go to Uni now to learn how to take photos. But before I go I've been thinking about a question that has been asked a lot I'm sure. Do you think that there are good people and bad people? Or just good people who do bad things and make bad decisions?

Bye for now

Long time no speak.

Sorry for lack of blog. I think it's been a whole week! In my defense I did write one the other day but it wouldn't publish and it didn't save so I lost it. Damn.

So, not a lot has happened really. I had a decision to make and I think I've made the right one. Have been to River Island and got my uniform and I'm very excited about starting there soon. I'm pretty much just feeling lonely at the moment. I've got amazing friends who have made me laugh more recently than I have in a long time, and I love them for that. But I still feel lonely. It's so cliché but when I go to bed and when I wake up is the worst. I never imagined having to get into a cold empty bed alone again, I always thought I'd have someone to snuggle up to and to keep my bed warm. Trying to shut my brain off at night is hard. Keeps going round and round wondering if I could of done something to stop it from happening.  I wish life was like "Sliding Doors" where you can see what path your life will take depending on what decision you make.

Anyway, I'm motoring along. I'm focusing on Uni, and starting my new job. I know I'm going to be Ok, and at the end of all this I will be a stronger and better person, I just thought that I would start to feel better by now.

I wish I had more to tell you folks but I don't. So.
Bye for now.

Is it cause I'm cool?

No. Why can't I be cool? For example today. I walk from my car to the canteen, then the entire length of the canteen at lunch time to the toilet, where upon I find my flies are undone! So, I thought, oh well how embarrassing, I'll zip them up now. Damage control. However, the flies are in actual fact BROKEN! Queue me walking around all day with my hoodie pulled down over my crotch for the rest of the day! Sometimes I wonder if Brigit Jones was based on my life!

I do believe though that there is something actually wrong with me. My favourite quote is from one of Marian Keyes's books:

"So I'm back again to the eternal question,the one that has plagued me all my life: How Do Other People Do It? How come they were given life's rule book and I missed out? Where was I when God was dispensing capability and cop-on? Looking at shoes probably".

I did however have a lovely conversation with two people at lunch time who have helped me feel a lot better about myself. It's going to be a slow process but I will get there no matter how long it takes. I just need to man up a bit.

I'm off to fulfill my vice president (of Acting Soc) duties now seeing as I have been neglecting them for 2 weeks.

Bye for now.

If you ever come back...

No time to blog so this is for you.

Bye for now.

The Script - If you ever come back (click here)

If your standing with your suitcase

But you cant step on the train

Everythings the way that you left it i still havent slept yet

And if your covering your face now

But you just cant hide the pain

Still setting two plates on the counter but eating without yah

If the truth is your a liar

Then just say that your okay

Im sleepin on your side of the bed goin out of my head now

And if your out there tryina move on

But somethin pulls you back again

Im sitting here tryina persuade you like your in the same room

And i wish you could give me the cold shoulder

And i wish you could still give me a hard time

And i wish i could still wish it was over

but even if wishing is a waste of time

even if i never cross your mind

Ill leave the door on the latch

If you ever come back if you ever come back

Theyll be a light in the hall and the key under the mat

If you ever come back

Theyll be a smile on my face and the kettle on

And it will be just like you were never gone

Theyll be a light in the hall and the key under the mat

if you ever come back if you ever come back now

Oh if you ever come back if you ever come back

Now they say im wasting my time

Cuz your never commin home

But they used to say the world was flat but how wrong was tht now

And by leavin my door open

Im milkin everythin i own

Somethin i can lose in the breakin that you havent taken

And I wish you could give me the cold shoulder

And I wish you can still give me a hard time

And I wish I could still wish it was over

But even if wishing is a waste of time

Even if I never cross your mind

Ill leave the door on the latch

If youu ever come back if you ever come back

Theyll be a light in the hall and the key under the mat

If you ever come back

Theyll be a smile on my face and the kettle on

And it will be just like you were never gone

Theyll be a light in the hall and the key under the mat

If you ever come back if you ever come back now

Oh if you ever come back if you ever come back

If its the fighting you remember or the little things you miss

I know your out there somewhere so just remember this

If its the fighting you remember or the little things you miss

Oh just remember this oh just remmeber this

Ill leave the door on the latch

If youu ever come back if you ever come back

Theyll be a light in the hall and the key under the mat

If you ever come back

Theyll be a smile on my face and the kettle on

And it will be just like you were never gone

Theyll be a light in the hall and the key under the mat

If you ever come back if you ever come back now

Oh if you ever come back if you ever come back

And it will be just like you were never gone

And it will be just like you were never gone

And it will be just like you were never gone

If you ever come back if you ever come back now

"How are you feeling?"

Sorry folks but I'm not holding back this time! I have just received a text message from him. "How are you feeling?" How do you think I'm feeling? Oh actually, come to think of it, I've made a miraculous recovery. Yeah, I haven't even thought about how you broke my heart by leaving me for someone who turns out to be a total cow and are now contacting your slutty ex-girlfriends. Hasn't even crossed my mind. Just like it hasn't crossed my mind that apparently I made you unhappy when all I tried to do was the exact opposite! So does that give you some idea of how I'm feeling? I couldn't even reply due to the fact that is the single most stupid question I have ever been asked. It's a bit late to start caring about how I am now! Sorry about the rant readers but there is actual steam coming out of my ears! I was doing really well today until I received that message. I was actually able to block the whole thing out of my mind until then! But at least I'm angry and not sobbing into my pillow. Progress.

Also, I can't return to Chester tonight as my little pink car is poorly. Bless. Alan is coming to fix it for me later and I shall be on my way tomorrow.

Off to a birthday party tomorrow night. Can't wait. Happy Birthday Alex! I may bring some party hats to our Critical Essay lesson.

Well all I'm off to get clean as I've spent the afternoon cleaning two filthy ponies!

Once again sorry about the rant.
Bye for now.

Dreams can come true...

So why is it when I have crappy dreams where he leaves me for someone else, they flippin' come true. But when I dream that R-Patz is my boyfriend...oh no! That'll teach me to read Twilight (for the third time) before I go to bed. Not that I mind...really...it's just making the standards for my next boyfriend impossibly high which is probably not a bad thing.

I had a little prod around my feelings this morning, and felt OK. But as long as I'm always doing something. I just watched "The Ugly Truth" which I loved! And I'm now watching Scrubs which always cheers me up. I'm still in my pyjamas but hey, it's Saturday. I cannot believe I have to go back to Uni tomorrow but am actually a little excited because I hardly got to spend any time with my new housies before it was time for a week off. Also the Christmas lights go on this week so I can really get excited. To all my friends, expect your Christmas presents in January as my job doesn't start until the 21st of December and am therefore skint until my next pay cheque.

Decided not to go to any firework displays last night as the weather was so shocking, so we went up to the stables for some food and drink last night which was really fun. I'm expecting a few sore heads on the yard when I go to do the horses later. I'm also recording a Christmas film which I love called "A Christmas Wedding". It's got the blonde girl from "Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip" in it and also Daniel from "Ugly Betty". Anyway, once I've done the horses I'm going to curl up (probably back in my PJ's) which some hot chocolate and watch that film

Now peeps, you've heard me whinge on now for nearly a month, so what about you? What is happening in your lives, good or bad? I'll even blog it for you if you so wish! Let me know!

Bye for now.

Bring back the sun.

Well, he finally admitted he left me for her. They're not together. Apparently she doesn't want to be with him. This hurts so much because I want him. Just the way he was. Now no-one has him and he doesn't want me. At least I know I wasn't being mad and paranoid. But I actually feel worse than I ever have. I love him so much, to think that I wasn't enough for him, and that I made him unhappy is unbearable. Please let me crawl into my bed and stay there forever. Everything thrown away for nothing. The stupidest thing? I still want to be with him! I still love him! I know that will fade in time but at the moment it's so raw you won't believe that I'm in actual, physical pain. I could cry and cry and never stop. I never even got a chance to make him happy again, he never told me. I don't understand at all. How can you just stop loving someone? This has been my most painful blog yet, and to my friends who have texted and I haven't replied, I'm sorry, but this is my explanation.

I'm not OK. I don't feel like I ever will be. I miss him. So much it hurts.

Time for a quickie...

Oh mes amis, what a night. Revelatations galore. Finally the truth. And emotionally i'm back to where I was last week. I want my old life back folks. :(
Bye for now.

"All time low"...

... only joking folks. That was the other day when I ate an entire box of Cadbury's chocolate fingers. I'm actually feeling OK. I mean, obviously I've felt better but still. I'm better than I thought I would be at this stage.

I'm still buzzing about my job. Very exciting stuff.

So what has everyone got planned for Bonfire Night? Weather permitting I think I am going to the Tywyn bonfire. But not before we sedate all the cats. Eek, poor little buggers!

So folks, I'm just running a bath, and am intending to read my final few pages of "If you could see me now". I've been through 4 chick lit books in a month so if anyone has any more suggestions please let me know. Nothing by Marian Keyes though as I have already read all of her books, some of them twice. Am waiting patiently for the lovely lady to recover from a very serious case of depression so she can write another book.

Mmmmm I can smell my Radox calling so I shall have to love you and leave you soon. Again there's so much I wanted to say but now my brain fails me! If you think of anything, don't hesitate to ask.

I know, I'll leave you with a song. No hidden (or not so hidden) message I'm afraid I just love this song.

Bye for now.

Our Lady Peace - Bring back the sun (click here)

Little white house

It's everything we dream about

We wanted you to know

I'm hanging up my e-go...

We shouldn't have to fight

Or worry about the bills tonight

I wanted you to know

I wanna be your shadow

Mystery's gone

So bring back the sun

Oh bury this hate

Build it with love

The mystery's gone

So bring back the sun

Oh bury this hate

Build it with love, ho oh

Little batter high

Grass wasn't greener I found

Wanted you to know

Well I dug you up a rainbow

Mystery's gone

So bring back the sun

Oh bury this hate

Build it with love

The mystery's gone

So bring back the sun

Oh bury this hate

Build it with love

And I know

I know I failed you

And I hope

I hope we get through

Show me your hand again

And I know

I know I failed you

And I hope

I hope we get through

Soul signed hand

Mystery's gone

So bring back the sun

Bury this hate

Build it with love

The mystery's gone

So bring back the sun

Oh bury this hate

And build it with love

The mystery is gone

The mystery is gone

The mystery's gone

The mystery is gone

The mystery's gone

Bring back the sun

Bury this hate

Build it with love

Little white house

Good afternoon..

Sorry for the lack of blog yesterday but I blogged twice the day before so I thought you'd be sick of me.

Anyway, this is how it is. Getting back together is not on the cards, I know that. But it seems that now I have to make a choice whether to keep him in my life as a friend. Or let him go completely. I think for my own mental health, it has to be a clean break...

WE INTERRUPT THIS BLOG FOR A SPECIAL ANNOUNCEMENT! I GOT THE RIVER ISLAND JOB! AAAAAAAAAH!

So, like I was saying. My heart wants to keep him in my life. But my head is begging for a  break.

Thanks to my two lovely L's, I had a great time last night in Chester, and am well and truly hooked on The Mighty Boosh. I also learnt that the Christmas lights in Chester are turned on on the 11th of November, so dates (male or female) for this event are most welcomed!

I had a whole long blog planned out but thanks to the phone call from River Island (lovely people) I've lost my train of thought so I'll come back to you later when I remember the rest.

Bye for now.

Well well well...

...it appears my friendly blogger has blocked his page. Apologies folks you won't be able to read his inspiring words. Shame.

First of all I'm saying "Hello" to Kerry who told me she reads all my blogs. So thank you Kerry. And everyone else who got me up to over 1600 page views since I started blogging. Kerry said it's probably all her. :)

Today has taken a turn for the worst I'm afraid my lovely supporters. I miss him more than you can understand and I don't know what has brought it on. This morning I was fine, and all of a sudden it was like a big black crowd descended over my mood. Trying to find a film to watch but I can only find ones about wedding and romance. Violent movie anyone? The safest thing I can find to watch is "Come dine with me" which I love but it is doing little to lift my mood.

I want to say though, despite my low mood, it would be a lot lower without all of you lot! I can't believe you are actually reading this and I love you for it!

Bye for now.

Getting out on the wrong side of the bed.

Well, this morning I woke up to the most unpleasant message left on my blog. I have no idea who this person is but they made disgusting assumptions about my relationship and sex life. If you wish to read more from this talented writer please visit http://seepingbrainhole.blogspot.com/ as this person is obviously seeking attention. The blog is appropriately names "The Excrement Seeping from my Brainhole". Indeed. I would have left it for you all to read but the language was disgusting and I did not want it associated with my blog. In future, dear blogger, keep your opinion to yourself, all you know about me is what I have to say on here and you have no right to judge me or make assumptions.

Anyway people I'm feeling good today. Well, I was feeling a lot better until I read my lovely comment but there we are. No big plans for today. Will tend to my lovely ponies shortly and cook some dinner for me and my brother and that is about the extent of my day. It's getting dark so early people! In a way I love it, it reminds me that Christmas is around the corner, and makes me want to get all cosy in my PJ's and dressing gown. On the other hand it's harder to get up in the morning when it is dark!

Looking forward to tomorrow. Back to Chester to see a friend. Exciting stuff. Not sure I've quite recovered enough from Saturday to drink again yet but we shall see.

Hope this blog is a little more upbeat for you all my lovely readers. I may blog again later if anything exciting happens. Or even if it doesn't!
Bye for now!

Writers block

I miss him so much :-(

53 sleeps, 7 hours, 59 minutes & 17 seconds

... until christmas day :-)
Llbs lost: 3.

I'm feeling very strange today. Like, I feel better but worse. I don't feel like I want to cry or hit something anymore, I don't feel angry. But I do miss him. Last night he was so lovely it reminded me why I love him. But in a strange way I'm starting to accept what has happened. Instead of trying to blame somebody for it I'm trying to find ways of dealing with it, and not looking to the future thinking there's someone out there for me because that's not what's important now. I'm just trying to take it day by day.

On a very sad note, one of my favourite horses on the yard (apart from my own) passed away on Saturday. Very sad and she will be missed.

Now Halloween is well and truly over, I feel that I can properly get excited for Christmas without feeling ashamed. The Christmas lights were already up when I visited Broughton yesterday. And Debenhams had some decorations up a few days ago. I went on my favourite Christmas website this morning and yes I do realise that that makes me a massive child! Claus.com On Christmas Eve you can put in your postcode and it will tell you what time Santa is arriving at your house! Brilliant tactic to get kids to go to bed. Unless they decide to stay up and wait for him!

I'm out of words for now folks so I shall leave you with a song.
Bye for now.

Avril Lavigne - My Happy Ending (click here)