Looking back...

"It's infuriating. Women sit around obsessing about what went wrong over and over. Men just say "all righty" and move on."

Yesterday I had an amazing day with Emma. For the first time in ages, I felt I could talk about all the things I miss about him and my old life, without it hurting. It also made me realise that just because I miss it, doesn't mean I want it back. And I don't. Because it's the good days, and the nice things that I miss. And if I'm being honest, I can't seem to recall that many. But to be honest the things I miss most these days are the material things like the lovely flat! I've never been treated the way I wanted to by him and I shouldn't of been settling.
But I have realised that it is OK to miss those things, it's normal. But I'm glad that it doesn't hurt anymore, and thinking about the shit times just makes me realise I am lucky. Now I can be that fun, excited, happy person that I was in my first year at Uni. Not 20 going on 60. I'm already starting to feel more excitement for my life ahead.

Don't get me wrong, I still panic when I hear the news that a classmate is getting married or having a baby. I guess it's just not my time now. I still want all the things I wanted with him. But next time they will be with someone who wants them too. Who wants to be with me, not treating me like second best and discarding me when something more shiny comes along.

Most of my feelings now are of bitterness. I'm struggling to feed myself at the moment due to the fact that I had to spend more of my loan on finding somewhere to live after leaving the flat. It's hard to accept that he wasn't affected by any of what happened as opposed to my life being turned upside down. But I guess that's just the way it goes. Fall in a bucket of poop and come out smelling of Calvin Klein. Karma seems to be kicking my ass for whatever reason so one day it will get him too.

I want to make this my last post about my past. I've spent far too much time looking back, trying to figure out if I could have fixed things. Replaying scenes in my head but instead saying the right things, doing the right things. But it doesn't change anything. And I don't think it would have. I think there always would have been something, or someone else.

It's a horrible feeling that after nearly 6 years, to cut someone out of your life completely. To pretend like they never existed and like it never happened. But we tried the alternative and it's not for us. At least I will always know I gave it my best shot. I can also comfortably say that, although I don't think it was the straw that broke the camels back, that I've not always been entirely blameless in the relationship, and that I made mistakes. But I suppose that's the difference between me and him. I can now admit when I'm wrong.

Bye for now.

Hope it gives you hell!

I want to apologise for yesterdays blog. I've found something...more appropriate.

My mission, should I choose to accept it, is to find my confidence. If you see it, let it know I'm looking for it.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-evrHyichy8

Glee - Gives you hell!

I wake up every evening

With a big smile on my face

And it never feels out of place

And you're still probably working

At a 9-to-5 pace

I wonder how bad that tastes

When you see my face

Hope it gives you hell

Hope it gives you hell

When you walk my way

Hope it gives you hell

Hope it gives you hell

Now where's your picket fence, love?

And where's that shiny car?

It didn't ever get you far

You've never seemed so tense, love

I've never seen you fall so hard

Do you know where you are?

And truth be told, I miss you

And truth be told, I'm lying

When you see my face

Hope it gives you hell

Hope it gives you hell

When you walk my way

Hope it gives you hell

Hope it gives you hell

If you find a man

That's worth a damn

And treats you well

Then he's a fool

You're just as well

Hope it gives you hell

I hope it gives you hell

Tomorrow you'll be thinking to yourself

"Where did I go wrong?"

But the list goes on and on

But truth be told, I miss you

And truth be told, I'm lying

When you see my face

Hope it gives you hell

Hope it gives you hell

When you walk my way

Hope it gives you hell

Hope it gives you hell

When you find a man

That's worth a damn

And treats you well

Then he's a fool

You're just as well

Hope it gives you hell

Now you'll never see

What you've done to me

You can take back your memories

They're no good to me

And here's all your lies

You can look me in the eyes

With the sad, sad look

That you wear so well

When you see my face

Hope it gives you hell

Hope it gives you hell

When you walk my way

Hope it gives you hell

Hope it gives you hell

When you find a man

That's worth a damn

And treats you well

Then he's a fool

You're just as well

Hope it gives you hell

When you see my face

Hope it gives you hell

Hope it gives you hell

(Hope it gives you hell)

When you walk my way

Hope it gives you hell

Hope it gives you hell

(Hope it gives you hell)

When you hear this song

And you sing along

But you never tell

(You never tell)

Then you're a fool

I'm just as well

Hope it gives you hell

(Hope it gives you hell)

When you hear this song

I hope that it will give you hell

(Hope it gives you hell)

You can sing along

I hope that it puts you through hell

Actually!

Come to think of it, I have got time to blog!
It appears that my lying cheating big headed arrogant ex can shack up with any tart that comes along. It's pathetic! Don't prentend to be concerned about me when you ask if I'm OK! And for the record love, he couldn't save you from a spider if his life depended on it and trust me he wouldn't be "distracted" for very long.
How come you never used to write nice things on my Wall? How come I was never allowed to write "I love you" on your Wall? I'm beginning to think it was so other girls didn't know I existed. Just incase someone shows an interest. Why was I never enough you? Never good enough? I loved you more than anything in this world, and I let you know that everyday! Well you know what, there is someone who will appreciate me!
You're a liar and you treated me badly! One day, trust me, the way you've treated me is going to come back round and bite you in your skinny little lying ass! Cause that's karma! And one day you're going to get what you deserve! One day someone will hurt you the way you've hurt me! I'm finally back on my feet so watch this space because I'm going to be the one laughing someday!
Oh, and by the way, on Monday, I'm sending your cymbals back. Maybe she'll buy you some new ones.
Bye for now

Set me free why don't you babe!

Sorry I haven't blogged in a while. I've been a busy girl. I'm off out again tonight so no time to blog again. But I just had to post this because I was rockin' out to it in the car yesterday singing at the top of my lungs! Enjoy!

You Keep Me Hanging On - Glee Cast (click here)

Set me free, why don't you babe?

Get out of my life, why don't you babe?

Cause you don't really love me,

You just keep me hangin' on!

Set me free, why don't you babe

Get out of my life, why don't you babe?

(woo, ooh!)

Cause you don't really need me,

But you keep me hangin' on!

Why do you keep it comin' 'round,

Playin' with my heart?

Why don't you get out of my life,

And let me make a brand new start?

Let me get over you,

The way you've gotten over me!

Yeah!

Set me free, why don't you babe

Get out of my life, why don't you babe?

(woo, ooh!)

Cause you don't really love me,

You just keep me hangin' on!

No you don't really need me,

You just keep me, hangin' on!

You sayin' when we broke up,

You still just wanna be friends!

But how can we still be friends,

When seeing you only breaks my heart agaaaaiin?

Whoa oh oh!

Whoa oh oh oh!

Whoa oh oh oh!

Whoa oh oh!

Yeah!

Get out! Get out of my life!

And let me sleep at night!

Cause you don't really love me,

You just keep me(hangin' on) Hangin' on!

You say you still care for me,

But your heart and soul needs to be free!

But now that you got your freedom,

You wanna still hold onto me!

You don't want me by yourself,

So let me find somebody else!

Set me free, why don't you babe

Get out of my life, why don't you babe?

(woo, ooh!)

Cause you don't really love me,

You just keep me hangin' on!

Why don't you feel man about it,

And set me free?

Now you don't care a thing about me,

You're just using me, hey, abusing me!

Get out! Get out of my life!

And let me sleep at night!

(woo, ooh!)

Cause you don't really love me,

You just keep me(hangin' on) Hangin' on!

(woo, ooh!)



The Ballad of the stolen Vase

Well, New Years Eve was both eventful and uneventful. I had the most amazing time with Steph until midnight when the fireworks popped and I cried like a baby until I had to be taken home. Crackin' way to see in the New Year. I'm not even sure why I was crying. Maybe tears of joy at seeing the back of last year, or tears of dread that this year might be worse.

Anyway, turns out I got the most beautiful date for the ball. My lovely Bev, who is now my back-up. If we are not married by 40, we are marrying each other and are going to live in a lovely house with too many cats and be a little bit weird. A good time was had by all at the ball. We bumped into a friend we have not seen for around 4 or 5 years and had a good old catch up with him! The band were great, the DJ was fab, decorations were stolen (then returned) and much alcohol was consumed. All in all a very good night.

And no sore head in the morning which was fab!

Girly sleepover this week with Bev, we intend to watch lots of Glee and she may even introduce me to True Blood. And another exciting event which is yet to be confirmed but I will keep you posted ;-) Exciting stuff. I don't want to get my hopes up but 2011 is looking better already.

From the look of many Facebook posts, you all had a terrible 2010, so I really wish you all the best for 2011. I intend to blog more often and more happy! Happy New Year everyone!

Bye for now!