Hmmmm...

It appears folks, that I have been fooled by an elaborate wind up. There is no one else, it was just a joke. Hmmmmm.

I have also discovered that he is an avid reader of my blog. So big shout out to him.

Yes, against my better judgement, I met up with him tonight. I don't know why. And I don't know that he did either. Maybe to see if I'm OK and ease his guilt. I don't know. He's made me believe again that there is no one else and that he just wants to be alone. But in a way that is harder to accept because then I start to think: "Oh well then, it's just that he doesn't love me anymore". At least if it was someone else I can blame then and not be thinking what did I do?

Anyway, enough about that. I had my job interview this evening. It was scary as hell. We were put in groups and had to do a little presentation. Then we had an individual interview. With some horrible on the spot questions like "Name a time when you went out of your way to help someone". And it's not that I haven't, it's just that in that split second I couldn't think of anything! I eventually came up with "Sometimes I dressed up as the Honey bear". I mean...wtf! So, I won't be expecting to get that job then. The fun bit at the end though was getting a free reign of the shop to create an outfit for "A girls night out". That was fun. Building a dream outfit!

So readers, this evening I am most confused. My feelings are all over the place as to what I want to believe and what is true and what I'm assuming. Not that it changes anything, he still doesn't want to be with me. But tonight he felt like the guy I loved. Very sad.

Bummed you out again there didn't I?
Bye for now.

If I were a boy...

I'm sorry mes amis, I've tried to be dignified but I'm about to blow it all out the window! How can he sit there and tell me there's no one else and then post on his Facebook "he wishes she was here"!!! I am more than sure that he is not referring to me! Just how stupid does he think I am? Oh yes 2 weeks is the perfect amount of time to get over someone you were engaged to! Or make that minus 2 weeks cause he was already meeting her while we were still together!!!

I have so much hate for this girl, that could take him away from me knowing that we were engaged. What kind of girl does that? And how can they both live with themselves knowing what they have done! If I thought I caused another girl to retire to her room and cry until her face is puffy and there is no trace of mascara left, I would not be able to live with myself.

I keep thinking "Don't let it bother you, you don't even want him". True but I feel like I'm underwater and I can't get to the surface. Just as I get there the current drags be back down and I'm crushed by the weight of everything I've lost. The most painful thing to deal with is his cruelty. He was supposed to love me, he was supposed to spend the rest of his life with me. How can he just turn that off and turn into a monster who hates me? I know you can't answer these questions folks but I just thought I'd put them out there.

I'm going to leave you with a song that brightened my day a little.
Bye for now.

Beyonce - If I were a boy (click here)

If I were a boy, even just for a day

I'd roll out of bed in the morning

And throw on what I wanted and go

Drink beer with the guys, and chase after girls

I'd kick it with who I wanted

And I'd never get confronted for it

Because they'd stick up for me

If I were a boy, I think I could understand

How it feels to love a girl

I swear I'd be a better man

I'd listen to her, because I know how it hurts

When you lose the one you wanted

Because he's taken you for granted

And everything you had got destroyed

If I were a boy, I would turn off my phone

Tell everyone that it's broken

So they'd think that I was sleeping alone

I'd put myself first, and make the rules as I go

Because I know that she'd be faithful

Waiting for me to come home, to come home

If I were a boy, I think I could understand

How it feels to love a girl

I swear I'd be a better man

I'd listen to her, because I know how it hurts

When you lose the one you wanted

Because he's taken you for granted

And everything you had got destroyed

It's a little too late for you to come back

Say it's just a mistake, think I'd forgive you like that

If you thought I would wait for you, you thought wrong

But you're just a boy . . . you don't understand

(And you don't understand, oh)

How it feels to love a girl

Some day, you'll wish you were a better man

You don't listen to her, you don't care how it hurts

Until you lose the one you wanted

Because you've taken her for granted

And everything that you had got destroyed

But you're just a boy



Where's my Big?

Sorry to bum you all out folks but I'm having a tough day. I'm dissappointed in myself because I've been doing so well. I had a great time at the Halloween party, it was really good fun and it felt good to be out. It also felt really good to be back at uni today. We were writing reviews today which I felt was really my forte because it's based on opinion (which I have a lot of) and it's also very descriptive, which is very me.

I knew something was very wrong today though when I had to go shopping in River Island for my interview outfit. I felt like I'd totally lost my "mojo". I didn't like anything or have any desire to try anything on. I went to the changing room 3 times with pretty much the same outfits each time. The sales assistants must have thought I was mad!

While I'm on it, I noticed on one of my many trips to the changing rooms, in their oh-so-flattering lights and mirrors, that my tattoo has gone very strange and that the ink is in actual fact, leaking out of it! I kid you not. So, any ideas for cover ups would be most appreciated.

So tonight I have watched: House Bunny, Sex and the City movie and am currently watching Brigit Jones diary. Emma and me used to joke that one day I will find my Big, but he will look like Aidan and have elements of Steve and Harry. I hope she's right.

So I'm off to watch Brigit Jones, because she reminds me of myself. Although I don't get to snog Hugh Grant and Colin Firth. Damnit!

Thanks again to all who have sent me kind messages. They really do make a difference. And thank you all for putting up with me. I'm hoping I'll be on the mend soon :)
Bye for now.

P.s. Wouldn't it be nice if all men reacted to big knickers the same way as Daniel Cleaver!

Sod's law.

Well folks would you believe I got an email today inviting me for an interview at River Island Broughton! Bloody typical now I've moved back to Chester. Anyway, I've booked my interview for Sunday because it can't hurt to try.

I'm just enjoying a glass of wine, waiting for the bathroom to be free so I can start getting ready for the Halloween party. I'm quite excited, but also a bit nervous and I'm not sure why. I'm going as a cat. Again.

First day back at uni today. It was strange but luckily I haven't missed much and I have half term to catch up. Tutors were really supportive and understanding which was a great help.

Well it's just a shorty tonight folks because I can't think of much else to say. I hope that's a good thing.

Bye for now.

You're getting away with it...

I was going to Blog but I had my Ipod on shuffle earlier and this song came on and I think it says enough.
Bye for now.

Will Young - Grace (click me)

Feeling so strange I'm seeing you clearly now

Your beauty's deadlier everyday

All these people am I the only one

Who found you out

Is no one willing to say, willing to say, willing to say

Why don't you slow down

Turn your head round

Been treading on hearts

That are giving in with a little

Grace - you're getting away with it

Words - but nothing to say with it

You smile and take what you need in any way that you please

Isn't it a shame

You've

Nothing to show from these

Lies - I told you you'd pay for it

Lonely are the days of your life

You spoke in rhymes and rhythms

The sweetest sounds

They drew me in like a moth to a flame

Oh, all these people you hurt along the way

Will haunt you now

'Cos things are going to change, going to change, going to change

Why don't you slow down

Turn your head round

Been treading on hearts

That are giving in with a little

Grace - you're getting away with it

Words - but nothing to say with it

You smile and take what you need in any way that you please

Isn't it a shame

You've

Nothing to show from these

Lies - I told you you'd pay for it

Lonely are the days of your life

You're beginning to lose

Things are fading in front of your eyes

You've a long way to fall

Before you even realize

That this loneliness hurts

Lonely will be the days of your life

Oh

Grace - you're getting away with it

Words and nothing to say with it

You blame but you're not ashamed of it

Hurt - you don't feel the pain of it

Lie - straight in the face of it

Your mind - you should be afraid of it

Your grace - you're getting away with it

Nothing to get in my way

With a little grace - you're getting away with it

Words and nothing to say with it

Lonely are the days of your life

Lonely are the days

You lie - straight in the face of it

Your mind, your mind - you should be afraid

You're heading for trouble

Morning

I've just woken up in my new room and I feel like shit. I'm cold and my new fan heater sets the flippin' fire alarms off. He was still my first thought this morning. That he's probably somewhere snuggled up nice and warm with someone. And I have more nightmares last night/this morning.

I've got a day off today and I'm supposed to sort my room out but I want to rollover and go back to sleep. I want a bath but despite spending some time with the girls last night ( and they are lovely) I still feel like I'm in a strangers house.

My plans for this weekend have fell through so it looks like I am destined to go home and and answer the door to trick or treaters. Although there is more chance of me sitting in the living room with the lights off eating all the sweets that were meant for the kids. Maybe I should go trick or treating, I am a very scary sight at the moment.

Bye for now mes Amis!

Fresh start

Hello folks. Well am all moved out. Just got to arrange my things in my new room. This morning I had a whole flat, now I have a room.

And as if things couldn't get any worse, he has already moved on, spending each night with someone else. There are no words to describe how this makes me feel. All day his cruel words from yesterday have been echoing around my head. And the worst thing of all is that I know I'm being lied to and there is nothing I can do about it. I also don't understand the need for such unkind words. I'm already hurting so much there's no room for any more pain.

I want to sort out my room, turn it into somewhere I want to spend time. But I can't. I want my flat and my old life back. I don't understand what happened to my life so suddenly. I want to hate but I can't. I've also been told that hate is a waste of energy. What I feel mostly is jealousy and humiliation.

I think I've bummed you all out enough. Bye for now.

Bloggin like a B.....

Slices of chocolate cake: 2.
Bad news via text: More than enough.
Support from friends: Through the roof.

Sorry for blogging again folks but it seems like my comfort blanket. It seems that my worst thoughts have been confirmed. Well, at least I know I'm not going crazy but that has done little to comfort me. I feared it was coming but nothing could have prepared me for it when it actually arrived. I feel like I've been punched in the tummy.

I crawled back in my Dora the Explorer bedsheets for an hour or two. But having read all the comments from my lovely friends on Facebook and receiving texts from some very lovely people, I realised there is no point in hiding away.

For the past few months I've hated Facebook, thinking that it was never used for anything good. But since rejoining a few days ago I've had the most amazing support from everyone. I really really appreciate it everyone! Thank you so much!

“If you are single there is always one thing you should take out with you on a Saturday night... your friends.” Carrie Bradshaw

Christ Eamonn and Ruth are annoying...

Hours of daytime TV watched: 100!
Trips planned: 1.
Days till I move out: 1.

Is it half term? It flippin' must be because Eamonn and Ruth are on This Morning and they are annoying as the Nokia ringtone! They're always bickering!

How am I feeling this morning? I'm not really sure myself. Every morning I wake up and poke around my feelings to see where it hurts. I've got mixed feelings about tomorrow. I am looking forward to the relief after I have moved out, but it is going to be very hard to say goodbye to my beautiful flat knowing I will never see it again. Thinking about all the plans and the future we should of had in the flat. Our first home.

My new room is lovely, and that's what I need to focus on! I was a very spoilt student to be living in a new two bedroom flat with an en suite. I should be slumming it with the students. I'm looking forward to making my new room my own. Lauren says get some Yankee candles burning and I'll be fine. She's right. I'm a sucker for Yankee candles. I'm thinking of everything in Black and white for my new room. Classy.

I have a trip to London planned at the weekend. All being well. So many friends have come through for me I'm totally overwhelmed. I retract what I said about everyone saying "I told you so". Everyone has been amazing and I want to thank you all so much for that!

Bye for now.

Day 2 in the Big Blogger House.

Sleeping tablets taken: 1

Cups of tea this morning: 2 (many more to come).

Times spent trying to make myself feel better: 30 mins (more to come).

Nightmares: 3 :(

Mood: Unbelievably low.

Despite the sleeping tablets, the nightmares are back. Worse than ever. They are so real I could swear they are actually happening. The first nightmare was along the same lines as the old ones. But the second was different. Since the break up, I have decided I would like to keep saving and one day go on holiday to New York. But in my nightmare, I went on my own and it was awful. It was like something out of a Saw film. The worst thing was most of the nightmares occured in the early hours of this morning, and I was awake enough to know that they were awful and I wanted out, but not awake enough to do anything about it.

So I decided to spend a while pampering myself to try and boost my mood this morning. For the first time in weeks I have done my make up properly. I'm sure my horses will appreciate the effort. I have also doused myself in Body Shop's Neroli Jasmine body lotion and I smell like an angel... I'm guessing that two minutes at the stables will put an end to that.

Mum is cooking a roast today. It smells amazing and I can't wait to eat it. This is promising as the only thing I want to eat at the moment is chocolate, chocolate and more chocolate. Last night I was so desperate Mum donated the Trick or Treaters chocolate! It was that really cheap powdery chocolate but I love it because it reminds me of Christmas (even though they were chocolate ghosts, and chocolate pumpkins).

61 days till Christmas by the way! Just found this cute countdown http://www.christmassantaclaus.com/clock.asp. And yes I did just send Santa a letter...Santa is currently writing back...most unusual.

Here was my letter to Santa:

Dear Father Christmas,
My name is Laura. I am a girl and I am already 21 years old!! I live in the great city of Tywyn. Of course, that's in Gwynedd, United Kingdom, but I'll bet you knew that!! This year I've been so good that my halo is just a teensy weensy bit crooked!
Father Christmas, some things I might like for Christmas this year are:
- Snow;
- New Riding Boots; and,
- A set of GHD's.
Father Christmas, I almost forgot to say... If Ryan Reynolds was under my tree on Christmas morning that would not be a bad thing!
Love, Laura

And here was Santa's reply:

Hello Laura!!
Thank you for sending me your email all the way from Tywyn! The Net sure is wonderful because now I never feel lonely all the way up at the North Pole. I can get those wonderful Christmas emails any time of the year now, but it's always special when I get one from you, Laura.
Well bless my whiskers, Laura, you're getting to be quite a big girl! Wow, 21 years old already! Pretty soon you'll be too big to sit on Santa's knee! Well, even though you're getting a little older Laura, Santa's glad to see you still have the Christmas Spirit. I also hear you've been a really good girl. (Of course, you won't mind if I do a little checking, will you? HO!! Ho!! ho!!).
Let's see what you put in your letter for Christmas wishes: 1. snow; 2. new riding boots and; 3. a set of ghd's. The elves really like making those presents so I know they'll be happy to hear that's what you want. Of course, there are a lot of good boys and girls in the world and only so many presents so I hope you won't be too upset with me if you don't get everything you asked for this Christmas.
Before I forget Laura, the elves really want you to visit my new blog! It is called Santa Claus' Christmas Blog. My blog is all about Christmas, life at the North Pole, and me, Santa Claus ! You can even write messages to me and see what others have written. I can hardly wait to see what you write!
HO!! Ho!! ho!! Rudolph wants to take me for another test ride in the sleigh so I better get going! The new sleigh is 'Internet-equipped' so I can even get your emails Christmas Eve when I fly around the world! Take care Laura and don't forget to come back and visit me here at EmailSanta.com on Christmas Eve!! And remember... only 62 more sleeps until Christmas!!
All My Love,

Father Christmas

Mood at the end of this blog: Greatly Improved. Thanks folks.

Bye for now.

"When it comes to life and love, why do we believe our worst reviews?" Carrie Bradshaw.

Brigit Jones' Diary???

Weight: Erm...I'll get back to you on that one.
Lbs lost: 5!!!
Boxes of tissues used: 3...now settling for kitchen roll.
Tubs of Ben and Jerry's consumed: 1...so far.
Amount of chocolate eaten: 1 ton!
Chick flicks watched: 3.
Violent Tarantino films: 1.
Number of friends supplying beer, pizza, and a shoulder to cry on: 3!

Mood today? Better. Fluctuating between anger and sadness. Eaten my own body weight in Aunt Bessies Mash! Spent the afternoon mushing food for a pony with a poorly mouth. Currently squashed between two fat snoring cats. Contemplating thinking about possibly going for a bath. Or watching the Xfactor in bed? Any chance of moving the telly so I could watch Xfactor in the bath?
Fancy some chocolate but unfortunately I have none. Sympathy chocolate is most welcome :) No chocolate orange, strawberry cremes or coffee cremes. Cadburys chocolate preferable.
Watched Nigella's cooking program this morning. Why does she say everything like she's trying to seduce the camera (or camera man)? I haven't heard so many adjectives in one place since I read Twilight!

Time to get clean. Bye for now.

Where do I start...

"As we drive along this road called life, occasionally a gal will find herself a little lost. And when that happens, I guess she has to let go of the coulda, woulda, shoulda, buckle up and just keep going." Carrie Bradshaw.

I promised to blog more frequently. I'm sorry that I'm not blogging under better circumstances. I feel this is the best way to get things off my chest even if no-one ever reads it.

If you've ever had your heart broken then you'll know what I'm going through right now. However, having your heart broken twice by the same person by at the tender age of 21, that's unlucky. Fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me? Maybe not in this case. Had I never given it another chance, I'd always be wondering what would of happened.

3 weeks ago I had my life planned out. A lovely flat, and a man I was going to to marry and happily spend the rest of my life with. Overnight the whole lot went down the pan. The grief I feel about losing the love of my life for the second time is indescribable.

I feel like someone placed the most amazing cheesecake in front of me, let me have one bite then took it away! Like I lost on a game show and the host said "This is what you could of won". If only my life was like "Sliding doors" and I had the chance to see what two different paths my life could take.

This whole thing has got me wondering, when did the boundaries of relationships become so blurred. It feels that these days a marriage, an engagement, love, is seen as a challenge rather than being out of bounds. Something to destroy rather than respect. I know this doesn't apply to all women, or even all men but having already suffered so much in order for some stranger to be happy, it is hard to keep the faith.

It's fair to say my pride is bruised. I feel naive and stupid. Like the whole world is pointing at me and saying "See, I told you so". But I also feel brave, for having the strength to try again. I know that in time I will be able to forget the bitterness we feel now, and look back at the good times and be glad that I had them.

To quote the wise woman, Carrie Bradshaw "Can you make a mistake and miss your fate?". I believe that you can. And have.